State of Mind

Hello and beware.  This is not a happy place.

This is Tony's World and Tony's World is the real world.  Tony's World is populated by selfish, self centered and self serving people.  Tony's World has always been this way but there has always been a thin veneer that hid the true nature of man, male or female or undecided or any other letters of the alphabet.  I do not deny that there is a minority of unselfish, self sacrificing people but on the whole, the majority of the population are true to their breeding, their sense of survival, their need to preserve themselves and that which belongs to them at all costs.  Covid19 stripped away that veneer.
I recently removed myself from Facebook.  I deliberated over my decision for months.  2019 was THE low point of my life, my 'Annus horribilis'.  I thought 2020 was showing some signs of improvement.  I made deliberate efforts to change and it seemed to be making a difference.  Then along came Covid19.  At first it made no difference to me.  There is no one in my life that I suddenly couldn't visit.  But when my local cafe became a no-go zone I realised how small my life is, dare I say, insignificant.  The "new life" I pursued so enthusiastically in March foundered in my "Slough of Despond".  My reality of futility and loss reasserted itself with a maniacal laugh and bitter 'I told you so'.
The enforced isolation and destruction of what little 'life' I had, prompted a major collapse of my spirit and any efforts to change.  It took little time to become the poster child for 'couch potatoes'.   I have exhausted the supply of violent movies on Netflix and Stan.  I get no joy from 'Girlie' and feel good movies I once loved. They just highlight my loss and emptiness and drive me deeper into depression.  I turned to YouTube's inexhaustible supply of 10-15 mins videos that were perfect for my minimal attention span.
I have watched the farce that is called American democracy.  I watched an unbelievable dystopian fantasy move towards reality.  It scares me.  I no longer have a 'happy place'.  I am disappointed every time I awake.  You have been warned.

Slough of Despond

The Slough of Despond ("swamp of despair") is a fictional, deep bog in John Bunyan's allegory The Pilgrim's Progress, into which the protagonist Christian sinks under the weight of his sins and his sense of guilt for them.  Bunyan describes it thus:

"This miry Slough is such a place as cannot be mended; it is the descent whither the scum and filth that attends conviction for sin doth continually run, and therefore is it called the Slough of Despond: for still as the sinner is awakened about his lost condition, there ariseth in his soul many fears, and doubts, and discouraging apprehensions, which all of them get together, and settle in this place; and this is the reason of the badness of this ground."

I received the "Pilgrim's Progress" as a merit award at Sunday school.  I recall I was quite proud of the achievement.  The "Slough of Despond" is one of those tricky questions in a pub Trivia contest and of course 'smarty pants' was the only one who knew what is was.

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